Well, it’s finally over.

I’m a HUGE Transformer fan. I grew up with the franchise, it’s part of my childhood and psyche.  Thankfully, I can breath a sigh of relief that this movie saga is over….for now….

Bottom Line: Par for the Course. Great action, great explosions ( come on it’s a Michael Bay movie.) More stupid comedy, more inappropriate jokes, language, imagery and sexual innuendos in a movie based off of children’s toys.

Spoiler Free Nerd Rage Rant:

I went to see this movie in 2D because I refuse to support film going in the wrong direction. The movie on a whole is better than the last one. Sadly, it still suffers from a few pitfalls the previous film had, stupid, pointless characters, and inappropriate language. I have two friends with 3-6 year olds and I’m sure neither of them want to have to explain to their kids what a “dickhead” is because the funny robot said it.

Ugh. Let that sink in for a moment. They said “dickhead” in a Transformers movie. A movie about transforming robots. Robots that are toys. That are sold to kids. Ugh. Well, I guess it’s okay because the racist twins of the last movie said “pussy” a few times…and not in the context of a feline.

While Revenge of the Fallen had lots of racist robots, this movie has lots of gay bashing!  I really don’t need to go into it, but at least the crowd I saw it with enjoyed laughing at the gay jokes. Uuuugh. Hate this movie….

Okay, I’m over that. Now on to the lack of The Twins. Wait! The Twins aren’t in this movie? The racist Jar-Jar Binks wannabes of Mudflap and Skids? Awesome!!

Wait…there’s two other pointless robots that are mildly racist that fill their spots? DAMN IT!

This is a serious problem here that rings true for the entire series. Sam’s parents are back in this one and they are completely pointless. There’s no reason to have them in this movie. Wheelie and That Other Small Robot also, serve no purpose in the movie accept to annoy us and do one thing at the end of the movie because the script said so.

While we’re on the topic of pointless robots, can we please get the Autobot line up settled? Good God, there’s more random Autobots that pop up between movies than Carter’s got Pills. I know in the 80’s cartoon they had characters pop up all the time out of nowhere, but that was because their toys were out. This time the filmmakers were attempting to tell a narrative (I assume) so why are we forced to care about characters that we haven’t even met yet? You can’t just throw new robots at us between movies. Find a line up and stick with it, introduce more when you need to.

The action was great. The last half of the movie, with the destruction in Chicago was spectacular. I’m sure the 3D was awesome.  I think they did a better job this time around with the robot fighting. Thankfully with the new random Autobots being colored brightly (accept for Ironhide and SideSwipe) we can SEE who is getting shot or hit now since the rest of the Decepticons are generic metal colors.

All the important robots were great. I loved the Wreckers. They were pretty much Celtic Robots. They were Dwarves. They were Autobot Dwarves. I want to see more of them. The new Autobot, Sentinel Prime (voiced by Lenard Nemoy, who also made a Wrath of Khan quote)  was very good. I really liked him. He was motivated and clearly had a purpose in this movie. Bumblebee is still a mute. I don’t understand why since in the FIRST movie he was FIXED. Ugh.

Moving on, Prime is still a psychopathic killer. Seriously dude, come on. I’ve always thought of Optimus Prime as a noble, John Wayne type character. Movie Optimus Prime is John Wayne in the Searchers times a thousand. He’s totally mental. The fandom had  a great time with his “GIVE ME YOUR FACE” line from Revenge of the Fallen. In this one, Prime had some more “imma gonna kill you” lines.

As expected, John Turturro, John Malkovich, and Ken Jeong were totally over the top.

All in all, it’s better than the second movie and is overall a good pop corn -turn off your brain- summer movie.

Now on to the REAL nerd rage rant…

SPOILER NERD RAGE RANT! I’MA GONNA GIVE AWAY THE MOVIE SO DON’T READ OR READ IF YOU WANNA SAVE 10 DOLLARS!! LOOOOOOOOL

Okay so Megatron’s plan is totally stupid and makes no freaking sense….

Driving home, I thought of the story of this movie in regards to the other two films and I’ve come to the conclusion that if Revenge of the Fallen never existed (and God how I hope it never did…) then the series as a whole would be better.

In this movie, Megatron’s plan is to use Sentinel Prime to activate these pillars that creates a space bridge on Earth to pull Cybertron to Earth and use humans as slave labor to rebuild the planet. Great Okay.

Here’s where that plan is stupid. In the second movie, the Fallen and other primes were on earth trying to gather energon (i think) and for whatever reason the Fallen ended up in a space ship on Saturn. The Fallen said that only a Prime could kill him.

So, if only a Prime could kill the Fallen, then was was Megatron’s plan exactly? Hope that they guy stayed in his lazyboy on the ship until Sentinel could bring Cybertron to Earth? What about afterwards?  Was Megatron intending on going back on his deal and killing Sentinel? What about the Fallen? Megatron didn’t tell the Fallen about his deal with Sentinel did he? The Fallen would have killed him easily since the only thing that would revive Sentinel was the Matrix.  Did Megatron know that? The Matrix was on Earth, right?  Since I haven’t seen  Revenge of the Fallen lately I might have gotten this wrong, but the old Primes hid the Matrix on Earth…and The Fallen and Megs just wanted to use the sun to create Energon. They didn’t even know about the Matrix yet, right? Sam had to get the Matrix to resurrect Optimus. So….how was Megatron going to revive Sentinel? With the All Spark? Was that why he was looking for it? Was he looking for the All Spark to help power the space bridge? I don’t.. uh..kadnf’

Oh god. My brain broke.

Okay moving on. I can see Optimus killing Megatron at the end. Fine. The guy had only half a head left from their last fight. I don’t think it was necessary for Optimus to murder his former leader. He had him beat. They could have restrained the guy and sent him on his way. Why did Optimus feel it was necessary to shoot him with a shot gun. I don’t understand.

Speaking of killing, Wow, Sam killing Starscream. Didn’t see that coming, nor did I expect Shockwave to die twice. I thought the humans and the Wreckers killed Shockwave, then Optimus comes in and punches him…maybe that was weird editing. I dunno. I’m sad Barricade died because he was my favorite from the first movie. Bumblebee killing Soundwave though….dayum. Ironhide’s death was totally sad, mostly cause that’s the second time Ironhide has died in a Transformer movie.

Let’s talk about the chick. I fully believe that this movie  was scripted for Megan Fox to reprise her role as the girlfriend. Then, when it was found out she wasn’t coming back they shoe horned in this new blone girl. The problem is, that the script reads like they looooooooove each other, but it’s hard for me to care since this is the first movie she’s been in. Honestly, I couldn’t give a shit. What they should have done was to dye her hair black and made her hid the British accent and make her play Mikayla. That’s how little it mattered that Sam had a new girlfriend. Why was it so important for them to make a new character for the girlfriend? If they would have kept the character but switched actresses (excuse me, super models) then the romantic parts and the emotion would matter. As it is, it just doesn’t. I can’t care about this relationship if I haven’t seen it grow.

Some girl at the theater said the is movie was “soul crushing.” I don’t know if it was that, but it certainly has issues. It’s a fun ride but really, REALLY stupid.

I’ll say this for these Transformer movies…They are just like the GI Joe live action movie. They are the big budget equivalent to a kid playing with his Transformer toys in his bed room. Nothing makes sense but the action is spectacular and it’s all for fun. :)

Alright, I’ve ranted enough. If I think about this movie any more I’ll go insane. It’s 4:30am. Oh my god i need sleeeeep!

Next movie review I do will be Captain America! Whee!

-ethan